In the wake of the shooting in Connecticut, which I'm sure all of you are aware of, talks have increased about the gun control argument and the mental illness and neurological disorder argument. These talks are in their infancy, and both issues are still taboo to talk about in many circles. I don't own a gun, so I am not qualified to talk on that issue. However, with regards to the latter, I have some experience, both good and bad.
For those who don't know, I am on the autism spectrum, living with Asperger's Syndrome. Honestly, as far as AS goes, I am pretty mild on the spectrum, and could easily pass as "normal." However, the subtleties and nuances, which, ironically, I tend to miss in the non-spectrum world, are there for others to see. However, in many AS cases, they are hidden, and people miss them, because, quite frankly, in some cases, they don't look hard enough. While neurological disorders and mental illness can be a very tough thing to deal with- and trust me, it can be VERY tough, and often is- it's not for lack of trying on the part of many of us. Rather, it's a lack of willing to help somebody who is "weird" or "retarded" or "crazy." In our Internet age, it's as if we are being judged based on everything small that we do. As hard as I try, I can never be "normal." There will always be a stigma. Now, in the wake of the shooting, some will judge me even harder, and some will argue that if I had been disciplined as a kid, I may not be this way.
To those people, I say: Kiss my ass.
It is not in my head. I can show you my diagnosis papers if you want. I may be single, making not as much money as I could, and I was spanked maybe twice in my life, and yet here I am. While it took me until I was twenty-five years old (my current age) to get my own place and find a steady job, I nevertheless found it. I had a lot of help along the way, but I am finally feeling independent for the first time in my life. I am still not 100% independent yet- I still do my laundry at my parents' house from time to time- but I am getting there. And, like I said, I was spanked maybe twice in my life; I remember once biting another kid when I was four, and that was the only spanking I remembered. But I have never been in jail, I am not a sociopath, and I am a peacemaker. I would never intentionally hurt anyone. My parents didn't have to spank me- I was so convinced I was a bad kid anyway that I almost never did anything to get into trouble. And if I did get in trouble, I would punish myself before anybody else had a chance to, often refusing to eat dinner or go out with friends, because in my head, I believed I didn't deserve the good things in life. I gave my own punishments. It's cliche, but it's true- I am my own worst enemy.
It can be very hard for my "community," if you want to call it that. Some of us will never get better. But, this is a good lesson in patience. There are countless resources that can be utilized, and with the rates of autism going up, it's very likely that we will become the norm, rather than the exception, sometime in my lifetime. Granted, I understand how difficult it can be for family- I certainly didn't make it easy for my parents when I was in college, and ironically, I didn't smoke or drink or do any of that. Rather, I made it hard by not doing things I was expected to do. I've matured since then, and I am getting better, but I know they still wonder about me. And they are right to think so, because I have let them down in the past. But I know I have also made them proud- for someone like me, simply being a college graduate is a huge success. Not only did I graduate, but I actually have two B.A.s. Many kids in similar situations to mind don't even make it to college, but they can't make it into the workforce either because they don't have the skills or education to do it. They are trapped in their own head. I imagine it is what Purgatory would be like.
So, basically, what I am saying is that, yes, it is very tough. But I have learned to acclimate to it, and in many ways, I believe that one of my jobs is to advocate for those who cannot speak, verbally or otherwise. What I'm requesting is that it not be mutually exclusive- oftentimes, when I tell people I have AS, they'll say that they had no idea. But I don't hide it that well. Sometimes, I wonder whether they are afraid to hurt my feelings, or make me uncomfortable. But I am more uncomfortable hiding within myself, and retreating just because my critics tell me to. I encourage questions, and quite honestly, for many of us, don't be afraid to ask. We'll tell you if and when we are uncomfortable.
I wish sometimes they could adjust to our world, because we've done our best to adjust to theirs. And maybe this is why these tragedies happen.
Then again, I don't know. Maybe there shouldn't be an answer in this situation.
But, short of accepting, or even tolerating, I am asking you to at least understand where we come from- the successes, the failures, and everything in between. You'd be surprised how something so commonplace in the "normal" world can be a monumental success or failure for us.
I'm just asking not to be disregarded and misunderstood anymore. Is that too much to ask?
